International Gay & Lesbian Review

Gay Warrior: Transforming Betrayal into Wisdom

• Nonfiction
• Publisher: GLB Publishers
• Publication Date: 2002

The Warrior is a powerful archetype in the male psyche. It is particularly important for gay men, both as individuals seeking fulfillment and as members of a community that has long been overly centered on youth. The Warrior embodies qualities that mark a healthy adult male--strength, integrity, and the ability to act in defense of one's own truth. These are characteristics desperately needed right now--not only by gay men, but by society at large as we attempt to address serious social and environmental challenges around the globe. In "Gay Warrior," Jim Fickey and Gary Grimm offer an in-depth exploration to help gay men on the psychological journey of initiation that leads beyond the traps and betrayals of extended youth and into the full power of the mature male. Partners in life and in work, the authors are psychotherapists who draw on years of experience helping gay men. They've built this book around a model popularized by Robert Bly, John Lee, and others in the mainstream men's movement--which they adapt as their own by drawing on examples and case studies from their work. I must admit that when I've been exposed to this model in the past--by Bly and Lee themselves--it never really grabbed me. Though the issues are clearly important for all of us--gay and straight--something in the tone and the heterosexual emphasis left me with strong questions about whether it really had much to say to gay men. Hickey and Grimm have provided a good answer. Their book offers a clear road map for gay men who'd like to follow it. The book is divided into six sections, which outline the journey. The first three introduce the archetypes of Warrior and Puer and the wounding that characterizes their initial expression for most of us. The Warrior embodies the part of the "unconscious of all men that contains his truth, fierceness, and wisdom." Although all gay men have a Warrior, for most he remains undeveloped and thwarted because of wounding. The Puer represents the archetype of eternal youth, the boy who, instead of growing up, holds on to the attitudes and behaviors of adolescence long after it is time to let them go. The Puer isn't necessarily negative. Indeed, he personifies many positive qualities like idealism, creativity, and spontaneity. The problems come when the adult gay man allows his Puer to run his whole life, making decisions that are not necessarily in his best interests. Unhealthy manifestations of Puer energy can include narcissism, addiction, disconnection, and irresponsibility. When a man is stuck in his Puer, the Warrior is unable to come through positively and instead takes on negative qualities like machismo, lack of control, and violence. From the start, the authors underline the importance of the Warrior for gay men. "Until gay men find their Warrior we will continue to be viewed by much of society as second-class citizens, a group that does not have to be taken seriously. We will continue to be denied equal rights protection, denied tax and insurance benefits afforded straight people, prevented from marrying, adopting children, and discriminated against in the workplace. We will even be fired from our jobs on the basis of our sexual orientation without recourse. One of the main reasons we have not yet attained these equal rights may be that most gay men have not yet found their Warrior." Whether one entirely agrees or not, the question is well worth considering. The wounding that keeps most gay men stuck results from "betrayals" that are part and parcel of growing up in a homophobic society. The authors discuss the challenges of overattachment to the mother, emotional abandonment by the father, emotional or physical abuse, HIV, war, and more. Early betrayals, whatever the source, are usually at the root of more serious patterns of self-betrayal later on. There are detailed discussions of some of these patterns: good boy, narcissism, addiction, irresponsibility, and oppression of others. Until these self-betrayals are exposed and dealt with, they act as traps to keep gay men from claiming the full power of the Warrior that lives within them. The path from Puer to Warrior involves transforming betrayal into wisdom--the journey of initiation. For gay men, initiation means coming out, first and foremost. It means confronting past wounding, moving beyond parental and familial expectations, and claiming our own lives. Of course, that's an ongoing journey. The middle section of the book examines the pitfalls that gay men face along the way. The authors offer psychotherapy as a contemporary form of initiation. When initiation is successful, the gay man is able to become fully-actualized as adult and Warrior. Though each of us has his own unique version, the Gay Warrior possesses elements of maturity, freedom, and responsibility to self and community. These qualities empower us to create appropriate and satisfying ways of relating, to deal with anger and conflict, and to engage with society in ways that promote positive change. This last might be the most important, for when we're able to share the strengths and wisdom we've gained on our journey of initiation, we fulfill its psychological purpose. In fact, we take the place in the world that we were born to fill. "Gay Warrior" is thorough and clearly written. It might not be for everyone--as the authors caution early on--because the path it lays out can be challenging and at times uncomfortable. The book has a strong focus on psychotherapeutic theory, which draws on the authors' strengths, but that could make it challenging for readers new to the terrain. Because it offers a map of the territory, it would make a good resource for therapists and for men who want more than a quick fix, those strongly motivated to do the deep personal work involved. That work might well take place with the guidance of a good, gay-positive therapist. Fickey and Grimm take an approach that differs from my own--which is more body and spirit centered--and raised a few questions for me. In the book, they focus on the Warrior--instead of other traditional male archetypes like King, Lover, and Magician--as the one least familiar to most gay men. I agree and would be interested in hearing their observations from work with clients about whether they see the Warrior manifesting differently for gay men and heterosexuals. Is there a distinct Gay Warrior--or do we just reach the same place through a different path? I also wonder how the positive aspects of the feminine--that many gay men seem to embody quite healthily--infuse our power and whether they are incorporated into this archetype. Is there a place within this model for healthy androgyny? The question that Gay Warrior poses--"How do we grow up and take our rightful, empowered place within the world?"-- is vital for gay men. With few established models to draw on, all of us are forced to find our own ways toward empowerment. The more perspectives we can draw on, the better off we are. As individuals and as a community, we need to look deep inside and figure out what the Gay Warrior means to us. Then we need to discuss what we discover carefully and at length. Jim Fickey and Gary Grimm add a strong voice to the discussion. Read their book. See where it resonates for you, what it stirs up, what it inspires. Then, add your voice. That's the work of the Gay Warrior.

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