International Gay & Lesbian Review

Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife

• Nonfiction
• Publisher: Avon
• Publication Date: 2000

One of the most consistently voiced critiques of contemporary gay male culture, is how “youth oriented” it is. Many gay men voice fears about aging, and still being found attractive. Developing individually appropriate emotional and adaptive responses to growing older as a gay man is a crucial challenge and task for each of us. Additionally, a cultural dialectic about aging would be useful for men of all ages, since growing older is an inevitable part of life. Psychologist and co-author of The New Joy of Gay Sex, Dr. Charles Silverstein recently wrote that “One would never know, after looking through the past 50 books written about gay life, that homosexual men reach middle age. The roaring hormones of youth have always taken precedence over maturity.” The publication of “Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife,” written by long time community activist and one of the pioneers of gay affirmative psychotherapy, psychologist Harold Kooden with the help of writer Charles Flowers ends this drought of books about gay men's aging. Golden Men provides an abundance of both theoretical material and practical ideas on how to help gay men deal with aging. It is a gold mine rich in resources for providing gay men with a user friendly, smart, compassionate, richly human, and easy to read guide to the too long overlooked realms of gay men adjusting to the middle and later parts of their lives creatively, and full of optimism regarding how to have meaningful, interesting, fun and sexy lives that build on their youth while not attempting to prolong it. One of the joys of this book is that it is in fact potentially useful for a man of what ever sexual orientation and age, regarding a healthy and adaptive approach to aging, only from an unabashedly queer perspective. Kooden specifically did not try to write a crossover book that included queer content, but rather a book based on his decades of experiences as a therapist to the queer community and as an out gay man in his 60s. Golden Men definitely targets middle aged gay men. Yet it is pitched to younger gay men as well to help dispel many of their myths and fears about growing older. One of the things that makes this book so engaging is that Kooden freely shares aspects of his own life's journey and struggles that clearly do not set himself up as only the wise guru of aging, but rather as another member of our tribe engaged in his own idiosyncratic process of ever continuous self creation and self discovery that included, for example his learning how to scuba dive in his 50s, and finding another partner after the death of his lover, Jim, a number of years ago. He shares his own doubts and missteps along the way so as to help readers not be overly harsh on ourselves for when we might not be succeeding to what ever self imposed standards we might be aspiring regarding grappling with our unique relationship to growing older. Kooden explains that “more and more studies by gay social scientists are proving that gay men follow a different developmental path from non-gay men. These differences are both positive and negative, but are rarely known or understood by the average gay man.” He goes on to state: “Not realizing how their development differs, many gay men continue to compare themselves to non-gay standards, which leads to the feelings of fear, confusion, and terror many of us feel at the mention of aging.”

One of the central thesis of the bok is spelled out when he says: “Overcoming” or even voicing for the first time, “our fears about aging has taken many of us a long time. But only in speaking out do we have
a chance of breaking out of the trap set by negative stereotypes of older gay men. We do have the power to age well, and it is my hope that the stories and exercises that you will find [in Golden Men] will point the way toward knowledge of your own power.”

A central principle of this book is that the skills we have already developed in order to live our lives as openly gay men in a non-gay world are the same skills which will enable us to age well, if not better, than our non-gay peers. Kooden then organizes the central part of the book around five basic principles that he sees governing the phenomenon of gay aging. These are: By virtue of our coming out, gay men already possess the power to age well; Because of our unique history, middle age is now our true adulthood; The mind and the body are one; Ageism causes death and, finally we can not only survive, but thrive. Taken together, Kooden argues, these concepts challenge many of the assumptions and myths around aging that American culture, and gay male culture in particular embrace.

Kooden explains that part of his goals are to introduce a new vocabulary around aging that will enable gay men to understand the phenomenon
of their aging and to appreciate the strength, ability and power they possess to age successfully. Each chapter combines his theoretical constructs, examples from his own life and those from men he has seen as psychotherapy patients.

Additionally there are specific exercises within each section to get us to examine and then revise our preconceptions about what it means to grow older as a gay man, and to take specific steps to work on ideas or misperceptions that have been hampering our own optimal adjustment to our aging.

As this new millennium dawns, I could not think of a more fitting gift to all gay men: for those just entering their adulthood, to aging gay baby boomers to men in their later years, than the insights and challenges for growth contained in Golden Men. Kooden's message is simple. He urges each of us to have the courage, and then provides us with the ways to develop the skills to never stop discovering and creating possibilities of who we are, who we can be and what our lives can evolve into no matter how old we are, while accepting that bodily, social and emotional changes are an inevitable part of aging.

This is a wise and wonderful gift to men in all age groups who want to begin the process of embracing how to grow older as a gay man with dignity, verve, style and serenity.

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